Broken.

I was broken. And I don't know if I am fixed, or just patched back up with super glue and duct tape. ( we southerners know how do work some duct tape don't we) So today, I went to the local Technical College and spoke to the head of the Respiratory Therapy program. I am beginning to think that I will not be able to do EMS for much longer. Now don't get me wrong, I absolutly love being a paramedic. Never in my life did I ever think I would see the things I have seen. The life, the death, the gore. the things I have been a part of. Last year I birthed my first baby. It was in a small house on one of the islands. The whole family was there. And when I say the whole family, have you ever been to houses where the mama, daddy, sistas, brothas, aunties, the cousins, the grandmama, the granddaddy, great grands, the whole family lived on the same dirt road? That was this house. As we pulled up, we could hear the screaming. It was one of those steamy nights and all the windows were open. Right then we knew, we knew this was not going to be just a transport. We were going to be having a baby. The county sherriff was there, they met us at the end of the driveway. He looked like he was going to faint. Oh and I was the sole female. As soon as we walked in with our gear, and I got into postion, the baby was out. She was pretty, pink...perfect. I cut the cord, cleaned her up and gave her to mom. I have never seen a celebration like the one when that baby first screamed. Mom crying, grandmama hugging everybody within ten feet of her, including the paramedics, firefighters and the sheriffs deputy. All the sisters, she had seven, I think, hugging, crying, hollarin'. And the men, all of them out on the porch, for that was women's work in there, toasting the new daddy. Daddy came in as soon as he was told he had a baby girl, held his new daughter taking to her and mom. This baby, came into the world surrounded by love and family. As paramedics, we are surrounded more by sickness and death. That just the way it is now. We very rarely assist in childbirth, with all the modern medicine, prenatle care. And if we are birthing a child, it's a high risk birth or, the mom has had no prenatle care and the child is usually in distress. I hear more horror stories than ones like mine.

As a paramedic I have been part of things like that, and I wonder how I could do anything else. But, now I have come to the realization that I might not be able to. So I will start respiratory school here in August hopefully. I will still keep my paramedic, I will still work part time, I cannot leave compleatly. Where else will I be able to be part of life like this? I'm just broken.