if it makes you happy

I wrote this post actually on the Flickr group, Utata's, threads but I feel that since not everybody can read them I would post it here too.

Im going to preface this post with why I wanted to start this thread. I have come to see alot of you guy's, my Utatians, as close friends. This is not a Poor Little Girl, whoa as me thread. It is something else...read on, my friends and fellow Utata companions...

For the past few months I have been going through alot of things in my head. I haven't been in the best of spirits. I have had to back down from a job I enjoy with every ounce of my being (Paramedic) and into a new enviroment in which I don't quite get and feel like I don't quite belong (the ER) I am going back to school and as I sit in my math class I watch all of the people around me actaully get what all thouse x's and y's and inequality signs mean and feel really stupid because I just don't understand. I am having money issues for the first time since I moved out of my parents house 6 years ago and I have no idea how to reslove them. I haven't been sleeping well ( hence the 2am disscusion thread) and have been downright nasty to my friends and family. I have hidden myself from everyone who cares about me because Im afraid I will taint them with my misfortunes. My sister sent me this long email asking me "where her strong big sister has gone? And when is she coming back? I miss her."

Well, my sweet sister, she is slowly coming back. I started making a list. A list of the things that make me the happiest in the world. These are the top ten. (Oh, how I love top ten lists) in the end I whould like to hear about some of your greatest things that make your world keep spinning. It doesn't have to be 10 it can just be one. But As I work through my depression, I would like to hear how you work through yours.

*these are in no particular order*

10. Sitting under the boardwalk at Folly Beach, SC at sunrise listening to my iPod. The sea calms me and reminds me that out these in this huge world there is still a place for me to just sit and take it all in

9.The christmas card and emails from The Cyclist whos life I was a part of in saving. I don't think he knows it but he was a part in saving mine.

8.Talking to my mother in the middle of the night when I start feeling hopeless. She can always bring me back to the point where I do feel like I belong.

7. My best friend LB, she can have me laughing and crying all at the same time. She knows me better than most people ever will. She saved me in HS when I needed so much at that time to be saved. And I try now to repay that favor.

6. My sister, I may not show it very often, but love her with all my heart. And her way of storytelling is like no other.

5. My father, who despite his reservations about me becoming a paramedic, let me. And now is so proud of me that he tells everyone he meets how his daughter is a "ditch doctor in the painted band aid box"

4. Standing on front of a blank canvas, as if it is just wating on me to add the swirls of paint and bits of paper that with eventually become my art.

3. My camera and Flickr. Its in my way of showing the world what I see though my own eyes. I am able to release myself with the release of the shutter. I am able to lose myself in the moment that I am trying to capture.

2. Poker Night with my EMS family. These are the people that mean so much to me. We just sit around drinking beer and reliving the stories that make up our small little lives.

1. Going to my cousins home in Roswell, GA. We may not do much of anything while Im there, but that is the beauty of it. I go there to escape. They accept me with outstreatched arms when I feel like runnin away for a while ( even if it's just a few days)

Well this was a longer poat that I planned on it being, but now that I have shown you my happiness...whats yours?